The story that preceded my trauma

At first, I'd like to point out the fact that I do not give a shit about my English grammar. Secondly, I gonna write this blog just like this, in English, since I prefer this language to Hungarian. Thirdly, I write this blog only because I still not feel myself better mentally and the writing have helped me before. Last but not least, I am writing today because I will try to let that shit go what have been destroying me for a couple of months.

In September, right after the end of the Freshers' Camp and a few days before the start of the Uni, I had to be taken to the hospital because I was ready to die and to free myself for the misery of life. Happiness is something I could not really find in life so far. But to understand what led me to think about suicide seriously we have to go back in time. I started to date with a guy around a year ago (on December 2016). Then we got togerher. I went through at first heaven then hell with him. At the beginning I really really thought that I could not find any better guy than him, he seriously did everything I wanted him to do and was really in love with me. He cared about me, even brought me food at the middle of the night, warmed me up when we were outside at winter, gave me flowers etc. The problems first aroused around the fact that I hate sleeping at anybody's house. I did sometimes went there to sleep - even if I had to cope with my fear and his mates who lived with him -, but it was not enough. I told him more than once that It was something that made me very uncomfortable and that even when I'm there, he was just playing with his phone or tablet. We barely had anything to say (!) or do. I naturally have that bad feeling inside me when I'm at somebody else's hause, but there were some factor that made me feel even worse. For example, I knew that from the very beginning that none of his friends had liked me. Secondly, I was promised several times to get the code and a key to his flat and I never did. And as I have already mentioned, we never truly did anything, just sat there and did nothing. And the problems kept coming. I wasn't the best girlfriend at all. I even made him go home from my house when he upset me. And yeah, I barely went to visit him at his flat for the reasons I have mentioned. I asked him to go at least walk or go somewhere to do something and he almost never wanted to do anything. But It was still me who was horrible because of this and a lazy piece of shit. I also told him the least nicest thing sometimes I could tell and I won't deny it ever. So did he. He always told me that I could not show him that I love him, and he could be right. At least he could, I never doubted his love towards me. But to tell to truth, I might have not felt the same love either. Sometimes I was attracted to him and sometimes I wasn't. Sometimes I would have given and done everything for him, sometimes I wouldn't. And I feel sorry for that and I feel sorry for him too. One of the things that never let my mind to be in peace was that whether was it me the one who made him such a bad person or not. So this is the chapter when everything felt completely shit. It started around May. I was preparing for my exams and so was he at the Uni. We rarely saw each other that time. Then our holiday did not happen. We did not plan any other since he hadn't got money and spirit either. I suggested to take one room at their guest house, but I was told no room remaind to rent. Then he left me for 4 weeks because of a job far from here. I even begged him to stay and find something here. He promised me to visit me every weekend and he never did. He always had some excuses (I was even told that I did not worth the money to spend on for just one day) - but I could never have any of course -. Not even after the 4 weeks had passed did he came and visit me. At the following week he was "sick" and he told me that he decided to go to the FEZEN (where he started to use Tinder also) with his friends since he got a free ticket from them (later he told me that he was preparing for it like a year ago and probably it was something that he paid for -and worthed the money more than me-). After that he still wasn't ready to come back here and he did not tell me why. Then when he was ready to see me, that day I realized he would go the the Freshers' Camp and would come because he had a thing to do with the papers of his flats, and probably not because of me. So I told him I won't meet him now but he came to the town. After 1 or 2 days I told him I wanna see him but at that time he had already went back home. And I was a jerk because I could not meet him once, when he disappointed me as fuck - even when I was the one who was left alone for the whole summer basically and the one who was lied to and was the second option always -. After this, he broke up with me through the facebook like in July or early in August -since I could not change and never met him (LOL!)-. (He also had a party at their guest house with his mates for at about a week (in the whole house), but I could not even get a room for one or two days...) Then at the end of August we met again at the Fresher' Camp - since he was a Fresher again, starting to study Law and and me, starting to study Medicine -. Dear reader, this is the time when you sould fasten your seat belt. ps. like next time, because I did not finish writing it, I got tired and kind of emotional. Once I will finish this story.

2017.12.31. 10:00 Vissza a bloghoz
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